One of my favorite authors of all time is Jane Austen. Although she wrote about love and marriage in the 19th century, her content for me as a practicing Muslim woman still feels relevant. Her characters explore the highs and lows of the courtship process, while dealing with bigger issues like classism, patriarchy, and familial conflict. When I began to re-read Jane Austen’s books as a twenty-something, I realized my connection with her world went beyond the overlapping complex world of courtship and included a reliance on friendship.
The best quote to illustrate why I love consulting Jane Austen on love and friendship is:
“Friendship is certainly the finest balm for the pangs of disappointed love.”
― Jane Austen
During moments of failed courtship, Jane Austen’s characters rely on their friends (sometimes in the form of a cousin or sister) to uplift them. These close female relationships help heal the wounds inflicted by a man.
As I mourn the loss of my marriage, I am reminded of how important it is to have a tribe– a steady group of female friends to lean on for support. Because I live far from my family, my friends have been the source of strength I relied on to get through the hard moments of the last few months. My friends are the balm I need as I heal the wounds of my heartbreak.
I came to this realization years before. When I was a newly minted attorney, navigating my career and beginning my serious search for a husband, I found comfort in knowing and growing with other women on similar journeys. Together we were able to deepen our spirituality at the masjid, volunteer, take classes, and travel together. Those friends filled the void that having a male companion, a husband, would have filled. Those female friendships brought me the safety, comfort, and companionship that I needed to survive the ups and downs of the hectic life of my twenties.
During that period, I remember reading the book “Text Me When You Get Home: The Evolution and Triumph of Modern Female Friendship,” by Kayleen Schaefer about the power of female friendships. In the book, Schaefer interviews women to understand how friendships function in these modern times, and what roles they play in the lives of women today. I remember feeling in awe that the experiences and closeness I felt from my close group of girlfriends was also mirrored in the female friendships happening across the country.
Years later, at my wedding, I remember cringing when my then husband referred to me as his “best friend.” Why you may ask? Because we had only known each other for about seven months and our relationship had remained at somewhat of a distance because he put up a lot of barriers for religious reasons. I hadn’t grown comfortable enough with him that I felt I could speak freely as I had with my best friends. Those friends who I had known for almost a decade, who had seen me at my lowest, and knew about all my annoying parts, really earned the title of “best friend.” Although I wanted to cultivate that relationship with X, I wasn’t naive enough to discount years of building a solid friendship with my girlfriends for this new man that came into my life quickly. And in the end, I was right to be cautious. Because in the end, it was those friends that I had known for years, who stayed by me when he left.
For Muslim women, who are in the midst of their search for marriage (or have succumbed to the idea of a life without marriage), close friends are crucial to having a life filled with joy and contentment.
Before and after marriage, your girlfriends will stick by you. Regardless of how close your relationship develops with your husband, if you even have a husband, a good group of friends will be there for you no matter what.
This year, I threw a big Galentine’s Day Party. I did so not because I believe we should all celebrate the commercial holiday, or because I so desperately wanted flowers and chocolate (which I routinely buy for myself), but because I wanted to fill my home with love and camaraderie. With my girls, we laughed, ate, and exchanged stories about life and love. It was a wonderful reminder that community is key to working through grief and overcoming loneliness. Wo(man) wasn’t created to survive dunya alone. Even without having the traditional family structure, you can still feel whole with the love from your friends.
Love,
ND