Dear Reader,
I hesitated to write this blog post. I thought carefully about what I wanted to say and not say. The labels I would use or not use. The accusations that might come from those labels could cause more problems than they dare to resolve.
You see, I know that words like “good” and “bad” are in both ways simple and complex. A “good person” means something very different from one person to another. Its definition is both dependent on the subject’s upbringing, belief system, and environment, just as much as it is on the individual doing the judging. There are so many variables that pave the way to assessing goodness.
And yet, for Muslims the complex nature of the task gets multiplied when you add religion to the mix. Thus, making the jump from assessing a “good person” to assessing a “good Muslim,” becomes in one regard easier and in another instance harder.
The easy (and not smart) way to assess a “good Muslim man” is to count up all his outwardly religious acts and put him into the “good” pile based on the number of his good deeds. The hard part comes when you discover that a person who does outwardly good things or good deeds does not always make a good husband.
Now, when I say generic statements like “bad Muslim husband” I’m not talking about the husbands that don’t do the dishes, or split the child rearing, or who never take their wives out to dinner for a date-night. I’m talking about the husbands who get a second wife without notifying their first wife, the ones that cheat, have porn addictions, or are emotionally or physically abusive. Yes, those husbands.
In many instances, those men keep up appearances that they’re the ideal Muslim man in the community. I’ve seen some of these men act as leaders organizing events at the masjid, serving as the volunteer khateeb at jummah, studying deen in an Alim program, or memorizing the Quran.
You may have known these men in undergrad or grad school as the heads of the MSA. Sometimes they’re drawn to places of prestige or leadership (and power) because their nafs call them to be seen and heard. Or sometimes it’s the other way around: they seek those spaces to achieve closeness to the Divine, but then the power of their positions or the attention (particularly from females) leads them to corruption.
When I went back to Dallas for the end of Ramadan, I encountered reminders of this phenomenon. There are so many scandals from that community which demonstrate that an outward depiction of religious deeds and knowledge does not always mean that the person has good character or is a good husband. There are too many sad stories to share and not share.
Although I don’t like to think about those incidents, it’s important to reflect on them if you fall into one of two categories:
You’re looking to get married and need to assess which characteristics are worth using to find a “good Muslim man”;
You were married to a “good Muslim man” who screwed you over by ___________(fill in the blank manner) and you’re left wondering how that happened.
Even before I fell into the second category, I did some reading that helped me to understand what Islam defines as manhood and what type of qualities I should look for when seeking a spouse.
I read the book “44 Ways to Manhood,” by Taymulllah Abdure-Rahman. In the book, the author uses the Quran and sunnah to break down what actions and beliefs make a Muslim man righteous and what ways of thinking can lead him astray. I remember years ago, reading the section about the importance of having a pious wife. That section was written to emphasize the importance of marriage for Muslim men. It begins with “marriage is the foundation of the entire world, and family is the nucleus of every community. Where there is no family, there is no means for one to progress.”
The section goes on to outline what it means to have a “pious wife” and how seeking comfort, love, and advice from her can be a blessing for a man. He uses an example of when the Prophet SWS sought advice from his wife Umm Salama instead of his male companion Abu Bakr.
Now, as I re-read that chapter, I saw something else that was eye-opening. The section talks about the importance of marriage as revealing a Muslim man’s character and his flaws.
“It is said that a man who is not married should look into the face of someone who is, and there he will see everything he thought he was. As the saying goes, ‘A monkey cannot see his own tail,’ meaning that a single adult male may consider himself to be the archetype of manhood, but until he marries, he does not realize all of the praiseworthy traits he is missing without a wife.”
It was with those sentences that a lightbulb went off in my head. Until that moment, I never fully understood how I could have entered into a marriage with someone who lacked basic Islamic characteristics like rahma or sabr. In all other aspects of this person’s life they seemed to demonstrate goodness, but failed miserably to do so as a husband. It wasn’t until reading that statement that I understood that marriage is the other lens through which a man’s character is tested.
In other words, a man can have praiseworthy traits like being religious (praying or studying deen), family-oriented (treating their mother and father well), financially independent, respectful to his colleagues, and trustworthy to his friends, but still end up treating his wife terribly. This is because the role of a husband is so unique, that the man doesn’t know he lacks basic characteristics like patience or mercy until he gets married.
Marriage tests so many aspects of a person’s nafs (inner self or the very nature of your human soul) that it uncovers dark spots in the heart. I believe it is really only after marriage, that we can truly understand who a person is. Because the soul is being tested at so many different pressure points, it will either thrive or combust when it reaches a tipping point.
That is why the scholars say marriage is half our deen. Because it allows all of us, both men and women, to use the virtues that Allah loves– mercy, kindness, justice, patience, forgiveness– for good. And when we fail to uphold the sanctity of our marriage, then we have not only failed the commitments to our spouses, we have failed to honor our commitment to God.
The biggest lesson I learned thus far from my marriage and divorce is never to judge anyone based on their outward religious acts. While it does matter how often they pray, fast and read Quran, unfortunately it is not enough to indicate whether the person will be a good husband.
This verse (3:29) in the Quran is proof of this:
قُلْ إِن تُخْفُوا۟ مَا فِى صُدُورِكُمْ أَوْ تُبْدُوهُ يَعْلَمْهُ ٱللَّهُ ۗ وَيَعْلَمُ مَا فِى ٱلسَّمَـٰوَٰتِ وَمَا فِى ٱلْأَرْضِ ۗ وَٱللَّهُ عَلَىٰ كُلِّ شَىْءٍۢ قَدِيرٌۭ ٢٩
“Say, ˹O Prophet,˺ ‘Whether you conceal what is in your hearts or reveal it, it is known to Allah. For He knows whatever is in the heavens and whatever is on the earth. And Allah is Most Capable of everything.’”
Only Allah knows what is in the hearts of man. Let’s pray all our hearts stay firm on the deen and remain soft to one another.
Love,
ND