I woke up in the middle of the night a few nights ago in pain. It felt like someone was taking a knife and twisting it deeper and deeper into my abdomen. This awful sensation happens for a few hours, one or two days each month every 28 days or so. And it’s pretty normal. It’s all part of the monthly menstrual cycle, that uncontrollable bleeding and accompanying cramps that occur for women under a certain age that ovulate.
Sitting there in the middle of the night, waiting for my Advil to hit, and the heating pad to bring ease, reminded me of how hard we have it. We, meaning women. The worst part isn’t even the constant physical pain, it's the emotional turbulence that comes with it.
Studies have shown that up to 75% of women experience varying degrees of emotional and physical pain before or during their menstrual cycle. During this time, our serotonin levels drop, and we may feel irritable or sad. Our cycles mess with our sleep and our appetite. And even if we’re taking birth control or going through menopause, we still have to deal with hormonal changes that impact our mood. And don’t get me started on the changes that occur when our bodies go through a pregnancy. It’s a whole other ballgame when you have a little human growing inside you.
The reason I even bring this up is because I recently heard that some Muslim men don’t know much about the female body. Maybe due to culture or an inherent sense of modesty, they remain ignorant of what we endure. I heard a story where a young woman had to teach her husband about periods during Ramadan. The husband didn’t know that his wife bled on a monthly basis and therefore didn’t understand the Islamic rulings surrounding it (that she was excused from praying and fasting). Apparently his mother always pretended to pray or fast during her time of the month, so he remained clueless for years.
That story reminded me of how men who may have sisters and mothers claiming they “understand women” because of those relationships, turn out to be absolutely clueless when it comes to having a wife. They don’t really understand how to take care or support their wives because they never properly understood women to begin with. This lack of knowledge makes them unable to love a woman properly.
When men say “women are more emotional,” it is usually said as a way to dismiss our behavior and concerns. But deep within that often rude statement is truth. Understanding the three phases of a woman’s menstrual cycle (the follicle, ovulatory, and the luteal phases) can help a man understand how his wife’s emotions and overall mood is impacted. We may be more “emotional” because we are cycling through a wide array of emotion on a weekly basis due to our menstrual cycles.
If a husband doesn’t understand which phase his wife is in during the month, then he might be thrown off by her change in appetite, her need to sleep more, or the fact that she is more irritable about a certain topic of discussion. You see it’s not that women are these delicate creatures that must be dealt with wearing special gloves, it’s more so that we are prized possessions that operate in this ever-changing world with bodies that impact our thoughts and behavior on a weekly basis and we need our men to understand how we operate so they can love us. Understanding our bodies is just one way to deeper connect with us. The second way is by understanding the inner workings of our minds.
In Islam, we are taught that men and women are different. We play different roles in society. We have different bodies. We are told that woman was created from the rib of a man (Prophet Adam), and although we are made from the same flesh, we are different creatures with not only different obligations or expectations, but with different thoughts, ideas, habits, and attitudes. Islam isn’t the only one that differentiates between the sexes: science does too.
Stanford did a study on the neurological differences between men and women. Studying the brains of men and women, they discovered that there are brain differences, and that these differences may contribute to differences in behavior and cognition. We see these similar conclusions in sociological studies too in which we learn that men particularly, husbands, adopt “fixer” mentalities. Instead of just being there for their wives, listening to her problems, and providing emotional support, they go into “fix it” mode.
An article from the Gottman Institute, which studies marriage and how to make it work, says emotionally intelligent husbands are the key to having a lasting marriage.
I think it’s so important for men to acknowledge and understand that they don’t always have to be the fixers. While we can love and appreciate a man’s attempts to be our heroes and try to brainstorm ways for problems to be solved, if we complain about something at work or with our friends, we just want you to listen. We don’t need you to throw money at a problem, or tell us to do something drastic like cut out that annoying friend, or change jobs, but we just want you to be the emotional support we need to get through the hard days.
Many men these days, particularly those in the Muslim community, don't know how to do that. These men seem to lack a certain emotional intelligence that is necessary to survive the highs and lows of marriage. Instead of being a loving source, the husbands of today are the ones that make us cry. Their inability to be the sounding board, and offer a warm, loving embrace without criticism or without going into fixer-mode, causes women to feel unheard and unloved. We need our men to evolve. We need them to tap into Prophetic tradition that teaches us all how to improve our emotional intelligence.
Shaykh Mikael Smith wrote an entire book about Prophetic EQ called, With the Heart in Mind. The book highlights moments in the Prophet SWS’s life when he tapped into EQ to be a better leader, husband, and friend. When we learn about these hadiths, we come to understand that the Prophet SWS knew how to be with women when they were on their menstrual cycles. He SWS knew what to say when he encountered hot emotions like jealousy from his wives. Unlike men today who are quick to label their wives as crazy, “emotional” or problematic, the Prophet SWS recognized women’s differences in emotion and mindset, and embraced them for it. He didn’t ridicule or push them away. He SWS just loved them.
If any man is reading this, I want you to know that if your wife is crying, for whatever reason, don’t “leave her be,” embrace her. Wrap her in your arms and be that source of sakeena (peace and tranquility) that she needs to overcome her struggles. Don’t make her feel abnormal or wrong for expressing emotion (regardless of whether it’s rational or not), just be there to listen and support her. Learn how to love her.
There’s a beautiful dua from surah Furqan about seeking spouses that are the “coolness of our eyes.”
وَالَّذِينَ يَقُولُونَ رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَاجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا
wal ladheena yaquloona rabanaa hablanaa min azwaajinaa wa dhzurriyaatinaa qurrata ayunin, wajalnaa lil muttaqeena imamaa.
Translated: “And those who say: Oh our Lord, gift us a gift for our spouses, our children, and future generations the coolness of eyes and make us leaders over those who are righteous, pious, and fearful.” - Quran 25:74
May God grant us all such spouses that bring relief and comfort to our hearts, minds, and eyes.
Love,
ND
I hadn't realized that hiding things from brothers could be a disservice to them as adults with wives they are trying to understand. Thanks for bringing that up!
Ameen. So true. Sometimes we need a “fixer”’but more often we just need an compassionate listener.