Dear Reader,
It doesn’t feel like Ramadan this year.
Between grieving for the innocent lives lost in Gaza and grieving the end of my marriage, I feel less enthused to celebrate the best month of the year. You see, last year around this time, I was busy decorating, planning, and preparing for my first Ramadan as a married woman. I had felt blessed to spend my days and nights praising God in the company of a beloved and a new family. And though there were hard moments last Ramadan, I would gladly embark on those mishaps again if it meant that I had my old life back.
Now, I’m planning iftars for one. The reality of my situation feels the most real when I start to think that everyone around me is enjoying the beauty of this month with their families. In those moments it feels like being single during this month is the end of the world.
But it’s not. There are obviously much worse things than eating, worshiping or reflecting on the Quran alone. In fact, some of my best Ramadans have been spent alone.
One of my most transformative Ramadans was spent alone during Covid (2020). At that time, I had no family, no friends, and not even my cat to eat with. While I was blessed to have a good (non-Muslim) neighbor that came to spend a few iftars with me that year, most of the time it was just me, myself and Allah.
I remember the torture and the beauty of sitting in silence at sahoor with my dates and tall glass of water. I remember the beauty of leading myself in qiyam. I remember what it was like to have copious amounts of time to actually dive into tafsir and recitation of the Quran. Because I’m so slow at reading in Arabic, it was actually the first year that I managed to finish reciting the Quran cover to cover in Arabic in the span of one month. I remember how proud I was of myself. And I knew if I had been surrounded by friends and family, I would probably not have reached my goal because I would have been distracted.
This year, I’m going to attempt to tap into that 2020 Ramadan spirit. I’ll skip over the last few years, and resume a time when it was just myself that I had to worry to feed, and re-focus my grief into deep worship.
This year I am using a Barakah Journal to help me plan out my Ramadan days. As I said in previous posts, using planners gives me anxiety because I’m too nervous to make plans and then get frustrated when they don’t go according to plan. But with the Barakah Journal for Ramadan I’m really able to chart out my intentions for the week/day and what good deeds and positive actions I am going to take to make the most out of each blessed day.
Also, on my to-do list is watching the Quran 30 for 30 series by Yaqeen Institute and Sh. Omar Sulieman’s Why Me series. Both of these programs really force me to reflect on the verses of the Quran and make them relevant to my life. I especially resonate with the Why Me series because it calls into question the value of one’s life in the greater context of the universe, and the generations and generations of people that came before us. I’ve only watched the first two episodes thus far, but I’m looking forward to seeing the full story arc over the course of the next twenty eight days.
In the category of getting closer to Quran, I am embracing technology by using the Tarteel app to attempt to memorize more Quran. I am also going to increase my attention to the study of the 99 Names of Allah by re-reading chapters in Imam Fode Drama’s book Expansion: 99 Names of Allah. I talked a bit about my study of Allah’s names in this new article I wrote for ICNA’s The Message. Learning Allah’s attributes helps me when making dua to Him SWT. When I call upon Al-Salaam for peace, I know whole-heartedly that I am asking the one who is the embodiment and master of peace to provide it. It adds mountains of depth to my duas.
Lastly, I am adding to my calendar a few iftars each week so I can feel closer to my brothers and sisters in the community. I will open my home to others, and accept their invitations as well as attend public iftars at the mosque so that I can embrace the communal spirit of Islam.
I am looking forward to feeling the sweetness of Ramadan, the best month of the entire year. I pray that I find healing in it, and I pray my dear readers will be blessed with all the goodness that this month and upcoming year has to offer.
Love,
ND