Let’s Talk about S*X

For educational purposes only :)

This post is part of an ongoing blog series, Dating-to-Marry, which aims to share practical tips and resources to help Muslims embark on finding love and marriage. Full article is for paid subscribers only. Bismillah!

Dear Reader,

This blog post may appear to be spicy, but the content is halal! I promise. I wrote this post with newlyweds or soon-to-be newlyweds in mind. I also wrote this for any single folks who are seeking resources and educational materials to prepare them for the day they turn in their V-card. 😉Most importantly, I wrote this blog post for me.

It’s a little embarrassing to admit, but when I got married a few years back— when I was thirty years old– I didn’t really understand my body or the mechanics of sex. Okay, yes I knew where things were supposed to go, but I remember feeling like I was playing catch up, learning things about my body that I should have already known. I especially felt behind when engaging with the male body for the first time. It was all new territory.

If you’re a Muslim woman or man who still has your V-card (btw CONGRATS), then you might find it interesting and helpful to engage with the list of books, podcasts, and IG accounts that I have listed in this post. While I’m no sex educator, I know from personal experience that having knowledge about your body and your partner’s body in regards to intimacy and intercourse are necessary for a healthy marriage.

If you’re actively pursuing marriage, reviewing these sex-ed materials can prepare you for marriage. And it’s best to prepare ahead of time because when you’re in the middle of wedding planning you’re not going to have the time to buy all the books and listen to all the podcasts. You’re going to be focused on getting the ring, finalizing the terms of the nikkah and planning a walima!

Second, as you get closer to the nikkah, you will want to engage in the conversation of sex with your fiancé¹. You should ensure that you and your partner understand where sex falls on your list of priorities, how comfortable the other person is with personal touch (including PDA), and what they envision that component of married life will look like.

If you sign up for an online premarital course², you will most likely encounter this topic there. While the online course may be a great starting point for these conversations, they most likely won’t provide you with specifics about how to engage in foreplay, how to schedule sexy time with your spouse, or even some of the hadiths that discuss sexual habits.

What you need instead is to gain a comprehensive understanding of the human body and mind as it relates to sex and intimacy. When you dive into the science of it all– how the mind and sexual organs operate in tandem– you’ll see that much of what is seen on television is made up! Time to clear up the misinformation!

As you begin your journey to understanding your body and the mechanics of intercourse, I hope you find the following resources helpful. At the end of this post I will share my own personal insights on this important topic.

Come As You Are

This book is by a woman and specifically tailored for women! It’s all about the female body, specifically in regards to how the female body experiences pleasure. Dr. Emily Nagoski examines the female body through science. She breaks down what it means to experience desire and arousal and showcases how the female experience differs from the male experience. She breaks down the functions of the sex organs and how they connect to our mind. I think this book would be helpful for men too because in order to connect with your wife, you will need to understand how her body works. Dr. Nagoski’s book helps remove any stereotypes we all might have regarding how sex works.

A Taste of Honey: Sexuality & Ertology in Islam

I really can’t recommend this book enough. It has received such positive acclaim since it’s publication in 2015, so you probably have already heard of it. But just in case you haven’t, here’s the full scoop:

Sex educator and Islamic scholar Habeeb Akande combines classical Islamic teachings on sex with a practical break down of how to engage in intercourse in his book “A Taste of Honey: Sexuality & Ertology in Islam.” He begins with a philosophical analysis of what is the definition of true love and sexual love and then uses hadith to provide Prophetic teachings on love, marriage and sexual intercourse. Towards the end of the book he provides step-by-step instructions on how to engage in foreplay and actual intercourse. I think it’s really helpful to have these instructions because as you know, Islam does not allow us to engage in pornography. But having an actual play-by-play will help you get started when you’re a newbie.

Kunyaza: The Secret to Female Pleasure

Here’s another gem from Mr. Akande! This book is specifically about how to tap into the ancient, non-penetrative practice of kunyaza. It’s a book that holds it’s importance in it’s title: female pleasure. Why is it important to focus on female pleasure? You might be asking where’s the male version to this book? Well, you see for men it’s pretty easy for them to orgasm, but for us women it’s a little different. Our anatomy and intimacy pathways are layered. More instruction is needed to get to that point. This book is a good starting point to unlock the mysteries and the magic.

Soulful Sexual Health for Muslims- A Developmental Approach for Individuals and Clinicians

I have not read this book, so I can’t necessarily recommend it. However, I have been following Sameera Qureshi on IG for several years. She’s a therapist and Islamic psychologist who studies and writes about Muslim sexual health. Her recently published book goes beyond sex ed. She includes chapters on sexual trauma, infertility, sexual dysfunction, infertility and more, offering a faith centered, practical approach to overcoming the hardships. Sameera also offers pre-marital counseling. Check out her offerings on her website.

Esther Perel’s Podcast “Where Should We Begin?”

I cannot recommend Esther Perel’s podcast enough. She has an amazing way of telling a story and the stories she tells are centered on love, marriage, and intimacy. On her podcast she invites couples (and sometimes just one person in the pair) to share their questions, frustrations and experiences regarding their relationships. Of the podcasts I have listened to, a common theme between the couples is a failed mutual understanding of sex and intimacy. Sometimes I have heard infidelity as a source of the issue, but sometimes it’s just a mental or emotional block. Esther knows how to uncover the issue and begins to offer solutions.

Esther really understands the cultural, religious, and psychological spheres of love and marriage. While she doesn’t provide Islamic forays into these themes, she gives advice as an empath and a very clever practitioner. Give her a listen!

Village Aunty on Instagram

If you haven’t already heard of Village Aunty, you’re WAY behind. Sorry, but it’s true. For the last two decades, Angelica Lindsey-Ali known as Village Aunty, has been educating men and women about sexual education. She holds workshops across the country that provide Muslims with a deeper understanding of why sexual intimacy is an important part of preserving a marriage. She not only provides practical tips to encourage couples to prioritize their sex lives, but she also provides a missing cultural context. As an American Muslim woman, she knows how to connect with young Muslims. She is also knowledgeable about the misconceptions about sex that other cultures may hold which hinder sex and intimacy. She has a very active Instagram page, so I recommend you follow her on there.