Dear Reader,
As a lover of literature, particularly the kind that involves romance, I’ve read a lot of metaphors and similes that try to explain what love is. I’ve seen love described as nature: the wind, mountains, or gentle rain. I’ve seen it compared to music: sweet, soft and soothing. Love has also been compared harshly to war or an all-consuming storm. But I’ve never before seen it compared to rizq.
In Episode 13 of Dr. Omar Sulieman’s Why Me Youtube series, he compares romance to rizq (sustenance or wealth), saying “it’s not something everyone is going to have in this dunya.” Just like your hopes and dreams of becoming a millionaire may not come to fruition in this life, such may be the fate for your dream of marriage.
Although, I’m off social media for Ramadan, I’ve heard through the grapevine that this simile comparing love and marriage to wealth, is breaking the internet. People, particularly the young folks, are going crazy because their bubbles have been burst. Maybe they, like myself, grew up drinking the Disney cool-aid about happily-ever-afters and one-true-loves. Maybe like me, they fell for the pervasive, and a bit problematic, concept of soulmates. Or maybe unlike me, they’re optimists who believed they would get everything their heart desired if they just prayed hard enough for it.
Whatever the case, this statement in this series, is changing minds and re-shaping hearts. Some of the chatter has been negative. Some saw that statement and were filled with despair. What does he mean that I won’t ever get married? Is that supposed to make me feel better about my life?
While I understand the critique, I am in the camp that is grateful for the video and it’s message.
Years and years ago, when I had barely begun my quest to find love and marriage, a Shaykh in Boston said to a crowd of twenty-somethings that it was possible some of us may never marry. He didn’t say it to make us feel bad, he said it to help us find rida or contentment in what we already have. I remember at the time that the mosque was struggling to put together a solid matchmaking program, and there were so many women that went to the Shaykh for help in finding a spouse. There were so many eligible women, and so few interested men. I think the Shaykh’s statement was based on the fact that so many were seeking something that just wasn’t easily available or possible.
I say all that because I believe such messaging is said to help alleviate the stress and anguish that comes with singleness. The anxiety and worry that comes with waiting to find your person is distracting. Sometimes it feels like you’re waiting in the wings of the grand theatre of life until you get married. You might get caught up in thinking my life will finally begin once I get married. You were told for so long that true happiness is found in the discovery of true love. And while I do believe that love and marriage can bring immense joy and happiness, the absence of it does not make your life less beautiful, or less joyous. If you’re waiting to live life to the fullest because you’re still single, you might waste away many valuable years.
I believe Dr. Omar Sulieman’s message in Episode 13 is a positive one. It reminds all of us single folks that we are not in control of our destinies. Allah, the Lord of the Worlds, has already destined who we will love and marry, either in this life or the next. Dr. Sulieman said even if Allah delayed or denied marriage for you in this life, it doesn’t mean he won’t fill your life with other amazing blessings.
He said, “and we are to be content with what Allah has decreed even if that means I have to wait for my spouse in Jannah… where the Prophet (SWS) said no one will be single.”
We must always remember that Al-Wadud, the affectionate, has not forgotten us, nor put us in a lesser position just because we are not married. Each person’s test and blessings in this life are unique and Allah never gives us more than we can bear.
But what if there’s another perspective? What if you’re the third type of person I mentioned earlier– the optimist?
I have a God-conscious friend who was married at the time in Boston when we both heard the Shaykh say the statement that some people may never get married. When she and I reflected on the talk, she pushed back. She remembered the following hadith:
Abu Hurayra (Allah be pleased with him) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and give him peace) said, “Allah Most High says: ‘I am according to My slave’s opinion of Me, and I am with him when he remembers Me...’” [Bukhari; Muslim]
This hadith is said to be about our opinion of Allah. Allah is what we think of Him. If we have a good opinion of Allah, of His might, and power, we are surely to have a stronger conviction of faith. My wise friend advised me that if I simply believed with zero doubt that Allah was going to send me a spouse in this life, then He surely would. Maybe she’s right?
At this time in my life, I’m fighting between the borders of hope and despair. I’ve spent the last few months living in despair because the one person I trusted and believed would never hurt me, did. But this Ramadan has renewed my hope. Day in and day out, I have been reminded of the power of Allah’s mercy, and the power that lies in my dua.
If I go forward now into the world walking on a path in which I find contentment in my day-to-day life, but have deep faith and conviction that Allah will bring me love and marriage again in the future, maybe I can leave despair behind me.
Only time will tell. Only God knows the answers to my questions.
Praying you find peace and conviction in these last ten nights of Ramadan.
Love,
ND
Such a layered topic. I have too much to say to put in a comment but something I wonder is, of all that say they want to get married, how many are really ready to commit to an (In sha Allah) lifelong partnership? (And also how can our communities support new couples?) As you’ve mentioned in other posts, there’s a lack of seriousness about marriage in our communities. In short, marriage is not a fairy tale.