There’s a popular phrase heard in Christian wedding ceremonies:
For better or for worse, until death do us part.
Many American brides and grooms, whether they’re Christian or not, stand before family and friends to make a promise on their wedding day to stand by their partner in good times and bad times, until death ends the relationship.
In Islamic marriages, we don’t have those types of vows. At least not publicly. Instead we have a process of writing out a contract, and putting all our financial promises and expectations on paper. In some ways it's more practical than the Christian way of officiating marriages, and in some ways it’s less romantic.
X and I chose to do our own private vows on Ocean Beach weeks after our nikkah. It was just the two of us under an umbrella on an unusually hot day in August. We promised each other to be the best versions of ourselves and to love one another in this life and in the next. Not even death could do us part.
But only fifteen months into the marriage X decided he was done.
I’ve been collecting stories since the divorce. Not to memorialize other people’s pain, but to understand how Muslim marriages break down, to find patterns, and discover some meaning in all the misery. I listened to other womens’ experiences so I can find clues as to why mine ended so abruptly. In listening to their stories, I have begun to understand that some Muslim men who seek marriage are not really in it for the long-term. They aren’t looking for wives, they’re looking for halal girlfriends.
I can hear the outrage now. Oh, how can you say such a thing? How can you demonize “some Muslim men,” in that way. My response?
Because their actions speak louder than their words.
It appears that some Muslim men enter marriages with high expectations and little patience. They want easy marriages where their women will not only compromise, but will do things their way. They want their wives to talk back less, and follow orders more. They say they seek respect, but they really seek control.
When the difficulties appear, and they always appear, for every couple at any stage of marriage, these men flee the scene. The Muslim men of this generation are less likely to stay and fight for their marriage. It’s easier for them to leave, just as if they simply had girlfriends, women who agree to co-habitat without promise of any future.
My divorce has made me question everything.
I once believed that when you meet someone who is God fearing (only Allah knows what’s in their hearts), and you take all the proper steps like premarital counseling and observing the mahram rules during the courtship period, then the outcome will be a successful marriage. I was too naive.
What I now know is that you need more. You need real commitment, serious tenacity, and pure conviction that with hard work, any problems can be overcome. The Muslim men today that are going in and out of marriages faster than it takes to even enter one, are not willing or able to stick it out until the end. They lack emotional intelligence and they lack an understanding about Islam’s perspective on divorce– that it’s strongly disfavored.
In Islam, unlike in Catholicism, divorce is permissible. In fact, it’s easy. All you have to do is utter a few words (the talaq) and not get intimate again for three menstrual cycles (that’s the abbreviated version, consult a shaykh for specifics). That’s it. The bonds that cemented you as witnessed by God, are gone.
And yet, we are also taught that divorce is the most disliked action by Allah.
“The Messenger of Allah said: The most hated of permissible things to Allah is divorce1. “
If you are enduring physical or emotional abuse, then of course you should seek to exit a marriage. But these days, people are encountering a few arguments, a few months or weeks of difficulty and then they throw in the towel. This mode of reactionary behavior cannot possibly be favored by Allah.
Islam says marriage is “half our deen.” There are so many ways to interpret that phrase, but what I’ve heard most often is that it refers to the difficulty of marriage. If you survive marriage, by treating your spouse well, honoring your spouse, and having a loving family with them, then you really accomplish half of your religion. That’s how intense and meaningful Islam views marriage.
I don’t mean to be a pessimist. I do have hope for this ummah. I do believe in change. I believe that men and women can learn how to be good husbands and wives, and that with continual knowledge and support from community members and religious leaders, we can have healthy and happy marriages. I write because I advocate for change. I want more for the Muslim women who have endured divorces that they didn’t want. And of course, I want more for myself.
May God have mercy on us and pave the way to healthy marriages. May He heal all our weary and broken hearts.
Love,
Nailah Dean
Vol. 3, Book 10, Hadith 2018
“They aren’t looking for wives, they’re looking for halal girlfriends.” So sad, but such an astute observation.
Ameen. And I agree. We don’t like to talk about it, but some have lost the significance of marriage as a trust, and it’s potentially damaging especially for women with the stigma of divorce.