Where do I meet “the one?”

Dating-to-Marry Series

This is part of an ongoing blog series, Dating-to-Marry, which aims to share practical tips and resources to help Muslims embark on finding love and marriage. Bismillah!

Searching for a prospective spouse as a practicing Muslim in the West is like searching for water in the desert. The hoops that we jump through to find love often leaves us feeling dejected, depressed, and hopeless. And on the few occasions when you think you’ve found “the one,” that person ends up being no better than a mirage.

For the lucky few, finding a spouse is as easy as an exchange between family friends, an intervention by the local rishta auntie, and an awkward conversation in front of the parentals and then boom! Nikkah invites are being sent out.

But for the vast majority, it’s not that simple.

Maybe you’re just starting your journey and you don’t know where to begin, or maybe you have been trying and you feel like you’re running out of places to look. In either case, this blog post is for you.

Having tried everything under the sun since I was twenty-three, I have a few ideas of where you can look. I’ll give you a broad overview of all the places Muslims should look when searching for a spouse. Let’s begin in a spot that has long been a hot topic of debate: the MSA.

                    Love on a College Campus: 

You may be surprised to see this as the first item on my list. But like it or not college campuses have long been the meeting place for couples, and Muslims are no different. I remember a few years back, hearing some serious criticism about how chummy Muslim college kids were getting in the good ol’ MSA. There was lots of interacting, and little separation between the sexes. While there is definitely a need for caution and boundaries, I think students should use those Muslim spaces in undergrad and grad school to look for a potential spouse. Why? Because of the Mrs. Degree theory.

In 2013, Susan Patton, an alumna of Princeton graduating class of 1977, wrote a letter to the “Daily Princetonian” (student newspaper) advising women on campus to find suitable husbands while they were still in college. Here’s a snippet of her letter: 

If I had daughters, this is what I would be telling them…For most of you, the cornerstone of your future and happiness will be inextricably linked to the man you marry, and you will never again have this concentration of men who are worthy of you. Here's what nobody is telling you: Find a husband on campus before you graduate. 

Can you guess what happens when you give Princeton female students ideas that they should be spending less time on their education and more time thinking about antiquated forays like marriage? You get eaten alive. 

The Princetonians lost it. A few of them went full-fledged Solange on Princeton Mom, attacking her on the world wide web which eventually caught the attention of big media news outlets who enjoyed poking at the age old question of the career woman juggling love and marriage. The students accused Princeton Mom of throwing them back to the dark ages-- the days when women were forced to marry to survive. They were shocked that anyone would dare suggest they put men above the cultivation of their minds and interrupt their goals of seeking careers that could change industries, improve lives, and benefit the global economy. 

I mean, I get their shock and disgust. The Princeton female student body were amongst the best and the brightest in the nation. How dare someone suggest that they juggle Anatomy, Mandarin, study for the LSAT, MCAT and GRE, AND search for husbands? 

And yet, I see utility in Princeton Mom’s instruction. Her logic was this: college is the only time in life where you are most surrounded by like-minded individuals, therefore it’s where you have the highest likelihood of finding a suitable match.

All that to say: if you’re still in school, use your time wisely… and I’m not just talking about doing your homework.

            Volunteer (at the Mosque):