Dear Reader,
Last week a male reader wrote to me asking if I could address the following scenario:
“On more than one occasion, my friends and I have run into an uncle at the mosque asking ‘when are you going to get married?’ They never offer prospective matches: their daughters, nieces, or sisters. They only make assumptions that we aren’t trying or aren’t interested in getting married. It’s frustrating, annoying, and just wrong. We are trying, but it’s not easy. There are many unseen considerations we have to make before we begin our search. When people ask that question, it feels like they are looking past me, just focusing on my single status. They don’t take into account other difficulties I might be going through. It leaves me feeling unseen.”
First of all, I really appreciated his message. It felt like this reader gave me a rare insight into the challenges Muslim men face when searching for love and marriage. We talked about so many other factors that men might consider before getting married: immigration status, financial stability, emotional and mental readiness. He was very self-aware and insightful about the issues that plague men in the marriage market. And I understood his perspective. I saw him.
I told him I could relate. Having been single for so many years, I personally understand how triggering that question can be. I know how badly sometimes it feels to want to be married and though you’re doing all the things to make it happen, people just don’t see the cogs churning. They don’t know how many times you jump on and off the apps, how many overhyped matrimonial events you attend, and the numerous weddings you go to without a plus one. All they see are the nonexistent results.
This experience is universal. Over the last five years, I’ve spoken to hundreds of Muslim women about their efforts to find love and marriage. They have told me about the weddings or family functions they attend where they are often told “you’re next inshaAllah!” or asked “haven’t you met anyone yet?” The same sentiments of frustration, unease, and annoyance are there for women too.
Although I empathize with my male reader’s universal experience, I also challenged it. After all, I was a lawyer before I became a writer, so I usually always have a rebuttal in my back pocket.
So what was my response to my male reader’s open and honest query?
I played devil’s advocate. I told him that maybe, just maybe, those uncles at the mosque had good intentions. Maybe they were prying into his and his single friends’ lives because they thought these men are of such a high caliber that they should already be married. Maybe the subtext behind the question why aren’t you trying to get married isn’t TRY HARDER to get married. Maybe the subtext is why are you still single because you’re such a great catch and you should already be off the market!
I also had to give him the female perspective on that question.
When eligible Muslim women see a single, decent looking Muslim man in his late twenties to his mid-thirties, with a solid job we say huh? He looks like a potential! Why is that dude not married? And then of course because our experiences have been so negative we think: what’s wrong with him?
It’s not that we immediately think that a single, never married Muslim guy = bad news. It’s that in an age of the marriage crisis, where there are a lot of eligible single Muslim women, and few Muslim men stepping up to marry them, or worse, marrying outside the faith, we get nervous. We start to go down a rabbit hole of what skeletons does he have in his closet? He must be picky with looks. He must have unreasonable expectations. Sometimes these fears are right, and sometimes they are unfair assumptions not grounded in reality.
Unfortunately, I cannot tell you an easy way to know if those questions are warranted.
What I do know is that you can find out a lot about a person through dialogue. Just ask. Don’t berate them with questions, but ease into a conversation about what has made it hard for them to get married. The question I have asked men in a kind and gentle manner is what has been your biggest challenge in trying to get married? If you can get a direct response from them, and it makes sense, your fears may be allayed.
You might be curious to see this question in action. Well, funny enough, I asked the mystery male reader, the brainchild of this post, the big question: what have been some of the reasons that have made it hard for you to get married?
His answer will remain confidential. However, I will say his reasons made a lot of sense. In fact, he made so much sense that I had an epiphany. He did one thing that other men I’ve courted (or married) never did:
He named his flaws.
He was the first man in a long time that was able to actually admit where he went wrong. He had identified the ways in which he showed up poorly in past relationships. He went to therapy and sought help on those characteristics that he knew he needed to work on. He understood where he had messed up and wasn’t shy to admit it.
That, my friends, is something worth noting. If a man is able to be honest, self-critical, self-aware and say “I’m still single because of _______” and his reasonings have nothing to do with women (i.e. blaming women for their failed relationships), then he’s a keeper.
I pray that this mystery man who was able and ready to fix (or at least work on) himself before continuing his search for a spouse, is able to find the best possible woman for him.
May God bless us all with honest, good, and loving spouses.
Xo,
ND
I like your positive spin on the question "when are you going to get married?" I don't know a good way to get the brain to believe this positive spin on things. I think that's a struggle sometimes but it's nice to see it reframed